Put that pedal into my bloodstream NOW.
If you’re looking for safety during the COVID-19 pandemic while simultaneously stuffing the heaviest, djentiest guitar chugs directly into your bloodstream, you’re in luck. Apparently, the new COVID-19 vaccine has a Boss Metal Zone guitar pedal inside it, ensuring that everyone who receives the vaccination will not only be protected against the virus, but also instantly become metal as f**k.
In truth, recent reports indicate that some coronavirus conspiracy theorists believe the vaccine injection was created merely as a vessel to implant a “5G chip” into the unsuspecting populace’s bodies and track their every movement.
As we all know, any image on the Internet, especially top secret governati documents that say “confidential” in bold and dour fonts, are 100% always true. And so, an image of a “confidential” diagram of the supposed 5G chip within the vaccine was shared around social media, seemingly originating from somewhere in Italy. Mamma mia!
The idiotic theory was instantly debunked by people who actually took the time to look at the diagram before smashing the retweet button. The words “bass,” “treble,” and “footswitch” appeared in plain sight on the image, and Mario Fusco, Twitter user and owner of the world’s most badass beard-tying thingies, blessed us with the good news.
“In reality it is the electric circuit of a guitar pedal and I believe that putting it in the covid [sic] vaccine has been an excellent idea,” he said, and literally everyone agrees. But unfortunately, the Boss Metal Zone pedal is slightly too large to fit into the vaccine, and will not be included.
SO NO METAL?